Who is actually creating all that holiday magic? Hint: It's not Santa.

For Cassi Romanos, a 30-year-old mother in Connecticut, the holiday season starts well before the autumn leaves turn. By September, she is already drafting gift ideas for her four children and mapping out the family celebrations. When December arrives, she is fully immersed in holiday preparations buying, wrapping, hiding presents, cleaning, and cooking in anticipation of visits from relatives. She also participates in the Elf on the Shelf tradition, which involves placing a toy elf in different spots around the house to encourage childrens good behavior. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this, Romanos admits. But theres so much pressure to do Elf on the Shelf that it feels like not doing it makes you a bad mom.

In todays social media-driven world, parents efforts to craft a memorable, picture-perfect holiday experience are more intense than ever. Much of this responsibility falls on mothers, reflecting the persistent imbalance of domestic labor in many households. The Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that in 2024, women spent an average of 25 more minutes on housework daily, while men enjoyed 50 more minutes of leisure each week. Another study showed mothers manage approximately 71% of household tasks, from planning and scheduling to cooking.

This disparity extends into the holiday season, which becomes a marathon of logistics, decorating, and family coordination. A November YouGov/Yahoo survey found that 60% of married or partnered women handled most of the holiday planning, compared with just 14% of men. Only 26% of women reported an equal division of holiday tasks, while 40% of men claimed equality, highlighting a perception gap.

From Halloween to Christmas, mothers bear the brunt of creating magical experiences for their children. This aligns with modern intensive parenting, where parents devote more attention, time, and money to their children than in past generations. In 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General issued a warning about the declining mental health of parents under increasing pressures. The Yahoo/YouGov poll also revealed that 21% of women and 15% of men plan to spend four or more hours weekly on holiday planning in December.

Danielle Gould, a 38-year-old mother in New Jersey, describes the mounting demands: Im buying and wrapping gifts, organizing school parties for both my kids. My husband has tasks too, like decorating and setting up the tree, but my responsibilities are exhausting. Moms need a logistics degree to survive November and December.

In recent years, conversations around mental load the invisible labor involved in keeping a household running have become more open. Paige Connell, a 35-year-old mother of four in Massachusetts, shares on Instagram about managing the mental load while balancing work and childcare. Women are conditioned to think about others needs, and social media amplifies the pressure to meet high standards, she explains.

Many mothers feel compelled to manage everything themselves to ensure their children have special memories. Gould emphasizes, If I dont plan visits to see Santa, then it wont happen. Connell adds that mothers often take the lead because they know what needs to be done, from gift lists to budgeting, though she advocates for open communication about sharing responsibilities.

Corinne Low, a University of Pennsylvania professor, highlights the role of ingrained gender norms: Men dont anticipate being judged on holiday preparations or meals. Moms, meanwhile, handle the behind-the-scenes work that creates a memorable childhood experience, often without recognition.

Colleen Jane Fehr, a couples therapist, notes the toll of holiday logistics: Women emerge from the holidays exhausted, depleted, and anxious. Asking for help is essential, but letting go of control is often challenging.

Some mothers have found ways to delegate and manage expectations. TikTok creator Libby Ward, for example, accepts imperfections in holiday meals and decorations while enjoying the traditions that bring her joy. Sarah Quinn allows her husband to care for the children on weekends so she can focus on shopping, emphasizing process over perfection.

This year, Cassi Romanoss husband will wrap the presents, and Paige Connells family is skipping Elf on the Shelf. Corinne Low encourages mothers to embrace imperfection and let go of the pressure for flawless holiday experiences. This season, focus on the spirit rather than the aesthetics of perfection, she advises.

This article is part of Very, Very Unmerry, Yahoos series on the challenges and chaos that can accompany the festive season.

Author: Ava Mitchell